Colby and Ellen

I intended to write this short little entry last MONDAY, but life got the best of me and I thought, “Better late than never!”

I’ve really struggled in a season of life with so many, “Whys?” or better yet, “Why now?”  I was so in shock when we found out I was pregnant with Eden that I had a really hard time letting reality set in.  So many people would give their kinds sentiments, such as, “You are going to have your hands FULL!!!” or “Wow, you didn’t waste any time.” and even evoked a few expletives from some shocked co-workers.  I was just thinking to myself, “Um, duh!  I KNOW it’s going to be SO hard, but I’m here now…what else am I going to do but just keep going?!”

Then after (most) of the initial shock wore off (some of it is still there!), the guilt set in.  I felt guilty that I had not been just as happily surprised as when we found out Judah was on the way.  I let in so much fear about having another child with a genetic syndrome, or a preemie, or becoming deathly ill again that I found myself going between fear and guilt.  Something is wrong with this picture, huh?!  I kept being reminded of  2 Timothy 1:7, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”  That meant that, I was reading this right, then not only did I not have to live in guilt or fear, but I had the power to overcome these thoughts through His love and self-control of my heart, mind and thoughts…how freeing!  Of course, so much easier said than done.

But, I find myself here on the “home stretch” of my last trimester and, although I am pretty intimidated, I am getting excited and I’ve learned to try to drown out the opinions of the rest of the world and hold tightly, instead, to the truth I find in Scripture.

So that brings me to the whole point of this post…  Sunday before last, Colby and I were in the balcony at church.  Our church meets in an historic building in downtown San Francisco and when you sit in the balcony, you can really appreciate the beauty of the craftsmanship: stained glass windows, the huge pipe organ, the dome ceiling… you get the picture.  Surprisingly for SF, the sun was shining through the colored glass in the windows and an old familiar song began to play, Doxology:

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye Heavenly Host;
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen.

The words are so simple, yet they struck me so hard… Praise God, from whom ALL blessings flow.  That line alone sent my mind on an endless list of things in my life – right now!- that are worthy of His praise.  I looked over at the hand I was holding of a man who, over the last 6 years together and nearly 4 years of marriage, has listened to endless dreams and fears, dried billions of tears from my eyes with loving comfort, given me the best laughs of anyone else in the world and, more than anything, shown me the true meaning of a man of God who stands with integrity even in the storms of life.  I thought about the little boy I’d just dropped off at the nursery, who was happily smiling and sitting (all by himself!) playing with toys and the other kids in his class and couldn’t help shed a few tears as I thought about everything that little boy has overcome in his short life: this time last year, we were just receiving the news that he might not live after he was born and, if he did, it could be with major handicaps and a life-threatening cardiac condition.  And just 7 months ago, I held his nearly lifeless body in my arms- on two separate occasions!- and God, in His mercy, gave the the self-control and power to keep myself together enough to perform CPR to save his life…I know he is only here today because the Lord Almighty is the Keeper of his days here on Earth.  Then my mind went to the little jumpy baby in my belly and all of the fear and guilt were gone as tears continued to run down my face in praise and thanks thinking about how blissfully uneventful this pregnancy has been thus far!  I barely dealt with morning sickness this time around (BIG change from last time!!!) and what a great feeling to walk out of our ultrasound and echo appointments and bypass the check out desk to make a follow up appointment- something so utterly foreign to us.  And thinking of the delight in having a little girl…all the fun pink stuff, dolls, tea parties and the sweet bond that only a mother and daughter are capable of sharing (a big happy birthday to my own momma today!!!).

All of this from one line of one, short little song!  I felt so thankful and proud of Christ’s accomplishments and of my life being laid at the foot of the Cross.  At the Cross, life’s struggles and challenges can somehow mysteriously turn into life’s greatest blessings and that is why as “creatures below” together with “heavenly hosts” alike must give praise and honor to the blessed Trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.  Amen.